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Shilo walks in to the bar casually, carrying his eternal smile and expressive eyes. He has the composure of a surfer fresh out of the water on an overhead day, but he manipulates his face as though a seasoned dramatist.

After the perfunctory introductions, Ron mentions Shilo has quite a story to tell, and experience in profound elegance. Shilo capitulates, holding up an open palm indicating dramatic pause while he whets his tongue with a sip of beer. We fall silent.

“So Ron and Tracy and I were hanging out at the pub the other night, just grabbing a late dinner and celebrating the end of a long week. I notice there’s this pretty cute girl camped out at the bar with two total tools, and I’m sitting there thinking, what the fuck? What is she doing with the ‘tards? So I walk up to her, wedge myself in, and eventually she ends up coming over to our table and drinking with us.”

He nods at Ron, and Ron node back in confirmation.

“So it turns out this girl is pretty down, and hot, and we hit it off pretty well. She lives just down the street from me, and surfs, and I’m thinking this is damn convenient. Before you know it, it’s last call, everyone’s a little drunk, people are milling about and catching cabs home, so of course I offer to walk her home.

“We start out the door with my hand on her back, then we’re holding hands, and by the time we’re halfway home, we’re completely making out, you know, like up against the random fence and whatnot. We finally reach the backyard of her apartment complex, one of those generic ones they have all over down here, and my shirt’s already off and somewhere in the alley, and we’re stripping down to our skivvies. It’s getting pretty hot and heavy, you know, so I’m like ‘So, uh, before this goes farther, we should get a condom.’ I was just out with friends you know, so I wasn’t boy-scout prepared and all that, so I’m like, ‘Do you have any in your apartment?’” His eyes twinkle.

“Now she’s just in her bra and panties, and I’m just in my boxers. She trots upstairs and disappears into her apartment. A couple minutes pass, and I’m thinking, ‘What the hell? What am I doing out here?’ I’m a little fucked up myself, so it took me a couple minutes to come to that conclusion.”

He takes another sip and snaps a grin into place.

“Anyway, I walk up to her place in my boxers – my clothes in her yard, the alley, wherever they came off, whatever – and I walk into her place, and there’s these two guys sleeping on the couches. I poke my head into one of the bedrooms, one that has a door cracked a bit, thinking maybe she just passed out, but there’s just some other guy sleeping. I’m sitting there thinking, first, ‘Where the fuck is she?’, and second, ‘How many fucking guys does she live with?’ I mean, there’s only so many rooms in this place.

“So I’m standing in her living room in my boxers, just kind of scratching my stomach, and she comes barrelling out of the bathroom – one of those bathrooms off a hallway – and slams the door. The sound wakes up the guys on the couches, and they see me standing there almost naked, and they’re like, ‘Who the fuck are you?’ I’m looking at this chick like, ‘What the fuck do I do? Explain this shit to your roommates,’ but she’s just staring at these guys, and suddenly blurts out, ‘Who the fuck are you?’ All the commotion wakes the guy in the bedroom, and he bounds out, angry, puzzled, staring at a half naked man and woman in his living room, and shouts, ‘Who they fuck are you two?’

He pauses amidst an assortment of questions of from the peanut gallery, holding his hand up again, motioning for quiet.

“I decide this shit’s just getting too weird for me, so I bail, grab my clothes on the way home, and hoof it the half block home. This shit was so bizarre; I just cracked a beer and plopped down on my porch for a smoke. A few minutes later, I see this chick in a bra and panties haul ass down the street with a bundle of clothes under her arm, and she runs right past me on the other side of the street, and runs straight into another apartment complex. You know, another one of those generic looking ones.”

Everyone’s doubled over in laughter. This shit’s too funny to make up.