Dec 21 2006

House Redux

The house is done! As far as I know, there’s nothing more we want improve upon. So, I’m finally getting around to posting pics of one of the things that’s consumed entirely too much of my time.


Dec 19 2006


Photo updates from the Getty Museum, one a day through the end of the year, over at osbornphoto, check ‘em out ….

Dec 8 2006

Courtesy Amber

Okay, this one gets a little graphic, so turn away now if you’re averse to such things….

Last night after training I went to a birthday BBQ for a friend of mine. The story of the killer whale at Sea World that pulled the trainer underwater came up, which prompted a string of bizarre Sea World stories. The winner, by far, was this little gem:

When Amber was about fifteen or so, she went to Sea World with some family, including her three year old nephew and grandmother. At some point during a tour through one of the habitats, a walrus was floating on it’s back. All of a sudden this mammoth-sized organ (or walrus-sized, as the case may be) began protruding up out of the water. The walrus reached down with a flipper and started rubbing it.

Nephew: “Grandma, what’s that!”

Grandma, to Tour Guide: “I think you need to find a girlfriend for that one.”

Tour Guide, desperately trying to redirect various children’s attention: “And if everyone will just look over here, you can see a group of Sea Lions at play….” It isn’t working, and kids and adults alike begin to gasp and murmur while the walrus continues to beat itself off; parents attempting to shoosh kids forward past the view.

Tour Guide, quietly, to Grandma: “Actually, his mate is in labor right now.”

Grandma: “So he’s a horny bastard right now, then.”

Nephew, with his mother trying to cover his eyes: “Grandma, what’s he doing?”

Through the muffled commotion, Amber trying suppress laughter, she see the walrus open his jaw wide, a shoot a load straight into his own mouth. Totally verifiable, you can ask her mother or grandmother.

Yes, universally voted the best story of the evening.

Now, however, I have this overwhelming urge to use the ultimate ice-breaker: “So, ever seen a walrus snowball himself?”

Dec 5 2006


I’m feeling the Holiday Crunch: getting presents, making sure I’ve got everything tax-related that needs to be completed before the end of year, organizing travel plans, selling the house, training, balancing responsibilities and checkbooks, not enough time … wondering when in the world I’ll find the time to do laundry, clean the bathroom, and photograph the house. I can feel the compression. It’s easily identifiable as a low-grade discomfort that won’t be resolved soon, like driving through the desert and not be sure there’s enough gas to reach the other side. The only way to remedy it is to trudge onward, crossing things off the list, but I’m still at that stage where two more items will crop up to replace the task just completed.

And I’m still pretty isolated these days – self imposed – trying to focus on commitments I made months ago. I don’t want to sound all doom-and-gloom here: It seems like I’m always saying “things will clear up in a few months.” But there is always something I’m trying to wrap up, and eventually I do, and am rewarded with some months of respite prior to the next Responsibility Crunch. It’s during these breaks, however, that you don’t hear me talking about “Shit that needs to be done that keeps me from doing Other Shit,” since I’m usually doing Other Shit. And you hear me talk less about things that I can’t wait to have done, and more about things I can’t wait to do.

And that’s when the posts are funnier.

But, I can share this: this is how we roll, beach style, to transport Thanksgiving dinner and wine:


We have no idea why Nat is sniffing the seat.

Dec 4 2006


So I have this little theory about the name “Rupert.” It’s just fun to say. I don’t think anyone can really say the same without smiling. With that in mind, I placed the following ad on craiglist:

Dresser, Nightstand, File Cabinets, Utility Racks, and Acerbic Wit – $20

Dresser: I originally got this at Ikea some years ago, I think for a few hundred dollars. It’s heavy enough that it permanently dented the roof of my car as I drove it home strapped to the top, so I’ll always have that memory. It’s still in pretty good condition, although there’s some slightly visible water damage on top if you catch it in the right light. Put a place mat on top, with some new-age rocks-in-a-glass-vase-with-a-dead-stick arrangement, and you’re headed straight up Contemporary Alley. $50, you’ll need a truck/SUV to move this. I don’t have one, obviously.

Nightstand: I got this an even longer time ago. You’ll notice it doesn’t match the dresser. Now I have matching furniture, so this is going as well. Modern black/natural wood style, ideal for storing a some books and a drawer full of sex toys. If inserted diagonally, I think it could probably fit a double-ended monster, but I’ve never tried. $20, can probably fit this in a sedan.

File Cabinets: Even older yet, with some stains on the top where I used them as makeshift saw-horses. Perfect for laying a door across the top for a ghetto-fabulous and (super-functional) desk. I don’t have the keys to the locks, but seriously, I don’t think a standard file cabinet ever stopped anyone. I mean, my little cousin picked the locks once. If you’re looking for a door as well, I’ve got one that’s sturdy as all hell. $20 for the pair, $10 discount if you take the door as well. You can probably fit one cabinet in a sedan, maybe two if you have a big trunk (and no junk in it), but you’ll definitely need a truck/SUV for the door.

Utility Racks: I’ve got two! One tastefully decorated in dirty-garage gray, and another painted in some sort of brown. The gray one looks super-manly industrial, so I stored my power tools there, and it actually increased my sperm count. The brown one looks nicer, and has heavy-duty wheels on the bottom. With it’s five conveniently spaced shelves and stunning paint job, it’s perfect for the kids who want to try for a five-story version of a soapbox derby. (I recommend putting the heavier kids on the bottom, as it has a tendency to topple on steep inclines at high speeds. Brakes not included.) $20 for the brown one, $10 for the gray, or $25 for both. Will require a truck/SUV.

Notice how I kept referring to the size of vehicle you’ll need to obtain this wonderful selection of things-that-hold-other-things? Yup, you guessed it – I won’t deliver. Don’t even ask. I don’t even have access to a truck.

All prices are negotiable, with the following caveat: if you offer me less than I’m asking, and you:

  • don’t show
  • keep re-arranging times
  • show up super-late
  • show up with an inappropriately sized vehicle to transport your loot
  • show up without the cash
  • otherwise waste my time

then I’m really not going to be inclined to “hold it for you for another day” or do any other such favors – I’m just going to move on to the next person on the list. However, if you offer me more money, although this is highly unlikely, I’m bound to be much more accommodating. I’m not trying to be a cock-knocker, most people think I’m a pretty nice guy. It’s more of a respect thing than a money thing. But then again, I’m not nice enough to give this stuff away. I still want the money.

I can be available for pickup just about any time this weekend after noon on Saturday.

Ask for Rupert. No, that’s not my name, but I’ll know you’re looking for the furniture, since no telemerketer has ever called asking for Rupert.

Sure enough, everyone that called, snickered after they said “Rupert.” I think I just like making people say “Rupert.”