Rupert

2006 December 4
by barclay

So I have this little theory about the name “Rupert.” It’s just fun to say. I don’t think anyone can really say the same without smiling. With that in mind, I placed the following ad on craiglist:

Dresser, Nightstand, File Cabinets, Utility Racks, and Acerbic Wit – $20

Dresser: I originally got this at Ikea some years ago, I think for a few hundred dollars. It’s heavy enough that it permanently dented the roof of my car as I drove it home strapped to the top, so I’ll always have that memory. It’s still in pretty good condition, although there’s some slightly visible water damage on top if you catch it in the right light. Put a place mat on top, with some new-age rocks-in-a-glass-vase-with-a-dead-stick arrangement, and you’re headed straight up Contemporary Alley. $50, you’ll need a truck/SUV to move this. I don’t have one, obviously.

Nightstand: I got this an even longer time ago. You’ll notice it doesn’t match the dresser. Now I have matching furniture, so this is going as well. Modern black/natural wood style, ideal for storing a some books and a drawer full of sex toys. If inserted diagonally, I think it could probably fit a double-ended monster, but I’ve never tried. $20, can probably fit this in a sedan.

File Cabinets: Even older yet, with some stains on the top where I used them as makeshift saw-horses. Perfect for laying a door across the top for a ghetto-fabulous and (super-functional) desk. I don’t have the keys to the locks, but seriously, I don’t think a standard file cabinet ever stopped anyone. I mean, my little cousin picked the locks once. If you’re looking for a door as well, I’ve got one that’s sturdy as all hell. $20 for the pair, $10 discount if you take the door as well. You can probably fit one cabinet in a sedan, maybe two if you have a big trunk (and no junk in it), but you’ll definitely need a truck/SUV for the door.

Utility Racks: I’ve got two! One tastefully decorated in dirty-garage gray, and another painted in some sort of brown. The gray one looks super-manly industrial, so I stored my power tools there, and it actually increased my sperm count. The brown one looks nicer, and has heavy-duty wheels on the bottom. With it’s five conveniently spaced shelves and stunning paint job, it’s perfect for the kids who want to try for a five-story version of a soapbox derby. (I recommend putting the heavier kids on the bottom, as it has a tendency to topple on steep inclines at high speeds. Brakes not included.) $20 for the brown one, $10 for the gray, or $25 for both. Will require a truck/SUV.

Notice how I kept referring to the size of vehicle you’ll need to obtain this wonderful selection of things-that-hold-other-things? Yup, you guessed it – I won’t deliver. Don’t even ask. I don’t even have access to a truck.

All prices are negotiable, with the following caveat: if you offer me less than I’m asking, and you:

  • don’t show
  • keep re-arranging times
  • show up super-late
  • show up with an inappropriately sized vehicle to transport your loot
  • show up without the cash
  • otherwise waste my time

then I’m really not going to be inclined to “hold it for you for another day” or do any other such favors – I’m just going to move on to the next person on the list. However, if you offer me more money, although this is highly unlikely, I’m bound to be much more accommodating. I’m not trying to be a cock-knocker, most people think I’m a pretty nice guy. It’s more of a respect thing than a money thing. But then again, I’m not nice enough to give this stuff away. I still want the money.

I can be available for pickup just about any time this weekend after noon on Saturday.

Ask for Rupert. No, that’s not my name, but I’ll know you’re looking for the furniture, since no telemerketer has ever called asking for Rupert.

Sure enough, everyone that called, snickered after they said “Rupert.” I think I just like making people say “Rupert.”

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