Courtesy Amber

2006 December 8
by barclay

Okay, this one gets a little graphic, so turn away now if you’re averse to such things….

Last night after training I went to a birthday BBQ for a friend of mine. The story of the killer whale at Sea World that pulled the trainer underwater came up, which prompted a string of bizarre Sea World stories. The winner, by far, was this little gem:

When Amber was about fifteen or so, she went to Sea World with some family, including her three year old nephew and grandmother. At some point during a tour through one of the habitats, a walrus was floating on it’s back. All of a sudden this mammoth-sized organ (or walrus-sized, as the case may be) began protruding up out of the water. The walrus reached down with a flipper and started rubbing it.

Nephew: “Grandma, what’s that!”

Grandma, to Tour Guide: “I think you need to find a girlfriend for that one.”

Tour Guide, desperately trying to redirect various children’s attention: “And if everyone will just look over here, you can see a group of Sea Lions at play….” It isn’t working, and kids and adults alike begin to gasp and murmur while the walrus continues to beat itself off; parents attempting to shoosh kids forward past the view.

Tour Guide, quietly, to Grandma: “Actually, his mate is in labor right now.”

Grandma: “So he’s a horny bastard right now, then.”

Nephew, with his mother trying to cover his eyes: “Grandma, what’s he doing?”

Through the muffled commotion, Amber trying suppress laughter, she see the walrus open his jaw wide, a shoot a load straight into his own mouth. Totally verifiable, you can ask her mother or grandmother.

Yes, universally voted the best story of the evening.

Now, however, I have this overwhelming urge to use the ultimate ice-breaker: “So, ever seen a walrus snowball himself?”

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