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I’ve been neglecting my introspective self lately – no small lessons, no moments of stillness. I’ve been all movement, as if I’ll coagulate where I am if I don’t get all this other shit done. And I don’t know if I’ll be able to maintain the suspense, to give the full digs on everything that may or may not be coming up in my life: it feels like my future is a pressure cooking with a creaking carapace, ready to blow at any moment, but I know that in reality it will be a series of small resolutions, in my favor and against, and they’ll be no explosion, no enlightening thunderbolt, but merely a slow process of learning and experience, as is the case most of the time. The climax isn’t there – there’s too many variables, and unlike a novel, they’re not overly interconnected. So I won’t be able to turn this into the serial you’d hope for, not without bending the truth farther than I’m willing to, and you’ll have to bear with that.

So what’s been eating at me lately, what are the atoms? A pile of trashy suburban vocabulary: HOA Assessment. Kitchen remodel. Home staging. Mortgage payments. Words I’ve grown to hate. Words that suck money, and more importantly, time. And then there’s those words I love, those that are leaving – no, not leaving, but evolving, changing into something I don’t yet know the form of. Shodan testing. Martial arts school closing. Last martial arts retreat.

And these atoms are bound in time and place through me: what structure will my future training take? How much time will it demand, and how much time will I have to give? Where will I live? Will I be able to walk away from this house unscathed, or at least minimally scratched? Will the high bit be set on my currency counter? In the worst case scenario, where will I find the time to do those things that are gnawing at me, driving me?

Yet, even then, I know I’ll find a way to make it work. It may be a different way, but it will still be my way.

Event if I’m living in Portland with a cowboy hat and no one knows my first name.

Hmm, that sounds kind of attractive….