-{ redgeek.net }-

I don’t like favors, not in the sense that most people use them. Favors should be done out of love, respect, personal development, or some other form of non-convertible currency. Favors are one-way. If I do a favor for someone, it’s precisely that: an act done out of goodwill, not an act accruing future remuneration. I don’t expect praise, thanks, or reciprocation. These are the favors that you can’t bring up in an argument: “Well, remember that time I did [something] for you? An you never said thanks? Well, consider us even now that you [did something else].”

See, it doesn’t work that way. It was a favor. While it’s nice to have a favor appreciated, that’s icing. You can’t expect return turnabout unless you make it clear beforehand. Then it’s not a favor, it’s a deal. Deals-disguised-as-favors only cause problems down the line. If I do you a favor, when it’s over and done, it’s forgotten. There’s no karmic ledger to balance, I don’t think I “have one on you.” If you do me a favor, don’t expect anything in return – especially if I didn’t ask for it. Sure, I’ll probably “return the favor” out of friendship, love, or respect, but since you can’t expect that, you have no right to call me on it. I don’t want you wedging control over me in the guise of a favor. That really pisses me off. It’s like forcing me to owe you.

This is why I have conversations like this: _

Me: “Can you pick me up from the airport?”

Friend: “Sure.”

Me: “Gee, thanks.” _

You did me a favor. Thanks! Will I pick you up from the airport when you’re coming in from out of town? If it’s within my power. Why? Because you’re a friend. Because I respect you. Because I love you. But not because you picked me up once before. That’s separate favor, not a deal. How about this? _

Friend: “Can you pick me up from the airport?”

Me: “Sure.”

Friend: “Gee, thanks.”

Me: “No problem, don’t worry about it.” _

Did you see that at the end? I’m just letting you know, hey, this is a favor. Don’t worry about it, keep no mental tally of favors. You don’t owe me. See, a deal would go like this: _

Me: “Can you help me move? I’ll beer and pizza.”

Friend: “Sure.”

Me: “Gee, thanks.” _

Or even: _

Me: “Can you grab some milk from me while you’re out?”

Friend: “Sure.”

Me: “Gee, thanks. I owe you a beer.” _

Wait, wait, was that a favor disguised as a deal? No. My friend did me a favor. I volunteered compensation. As the receiver of a favor, I can do that. But the giver can’t. That’s going the wrong way down the favor street.

Why does this happen so frequently? Is it a sense of entitlement? Is it a belief that there are no such things as favors? I believe it’s because people don’t listen. Yes, everyone has lapses in attention. There’s no getting around that. But it’s much easier to hear what you want to hear or what you’re pre-disposed to hear that to exercise your brain and really start actively listening.

I’m mis-interpreted fairly regularly. Does this mean I need to work on what I project? You betcha. Does this mean I need to conform to everyone else’s filter of interpreting the world? Hell no. If you don’t take a compliment as sincere unless it’s oversold and magnified ten-fold, that’s your problem. If a single small criticism crushes your world, you need to grow a thicker skin. If you’re confused as to my meaning, just ask. I do.

Are you really listening?