Asshole
I can be a vengeful, egotistical person.
Most of the time I tend to use these things for a “noble” cause: I’m egotistical in that I believe I can do anything if I apply myself hard enough, and I won’t believe someone based on anecdotal evidence. I am vengeful in that I retaliate when I believe myself crossed or treated unfairly.
However, that’s not always the case. I can be an asshole. (Just ask some of my past girlfriends.) But fortunately, these parts of myself are transient. I’m able to let them go almost as easily as they appear. As writing is therapeutic, sometimes you, the reader, get an emotionally-tinted catharsis, colored by my introspection upon given event. This is intentional. These are tools in my toolbox; to capture real-life events and analyze myself. As the reader, you typically don’t see the resolution, though – since it’s the process that’s important, and by the time something’s been resolved, I’ve already internalized the lesson and moved on. The feeling rarely lasts, but the learned lesson does. It’s one of the reasons I like to sleep on things when I find myself irritated. But even then, I can be a whopping asshole.
Will I always have this part of me? Yes. Anger, Love, Doubt, Fear, and such other things are a permanent part of human nature. What counts is what you do with them, how you guide them, how you use them. Sometime I do alright, sometimes not (and those are the times I’m a legitimate asshole). Sometimes I use them as fuel for writing. Sometimes it gets me, and others, into trouble. Do I stand by everything I’ve written? Yup. Should some of it have not been written? Probably.
Have I lost girlfriends and friends over the years due to things I’ve said or written? Yes. Would I change that? No, because I meant what I said, and felt strongly enough about it to say it. Do I still care for and respect those people? In almost every case, yes. Do I just have a problem apologizing? Nope, I’ve done plenty of that. Sometimes I have to apologize for an the effect or presentation of a phrase, but not the phrase itself. Did I apologize to my friend-turned-addict when confronting him? Certainly, I apologized profusely for the effect I was about to have on him, but didn’t apologize for making him confront the truth. It was enough to dissolve our friendship, but – years later, I heard – he was clean and sober. I still feel regret for the hell I had to put him through, but I don’t regret doing it one iota.
Sometimes, people just need space, and sometimes, the best way to do that is to break up, get separated, stop hanging out, whatever – it doesn’t mean it’s over for good. I’m reminded of my girlfriend and a good friend hers, who for over a year had bad blood between them. But we all hang out together regularly now – they just needed time apart. I don’t believe in things like meeting your “one and only” or “friends for life.” Such concepts imply a degree at contrived stasis that disturbs me. Can it happen? Sure. Should it be a goal? Maybe. But I believe it’s as much chance as it is hard work.
Because of this, some people think I’m an callous asshole. But that doesn’t mean I reflexively think that he or she is an asshole.
And I’m fine with that.